I have this thought that seems to be the last thing to embrace me as I try to wrest my consciousness from my body late each night.
All these people that I know, that I seem to come across, that manage to have someone or just, something, to spend their time with, it all makes me wonder, “Why not me?”
Now I certainly don’t mean to suggest that they aren’t worthy and I would never begrudge anyone for finding happiness in any non-destructive form. What I mean to ask is, “What is so unbelievably broken within me that keeps me unworthy?”
Now I have asked this pseudo-rhetorical question before and I can list the standard answers my biased loved ones give; “you will”; “you’re awesome”; “just be patient”. Now I suppose I am in a way looking for reassurance but to me, these things aren’t reassuring. My brain is always ticking over, struggling to make sense of everything going on around me at once, structuring it, reasoning it, organising and filtering it, just the simple act of trying to understand as much about my entire experience is an endless challenge for me that I revel in.
And as a side note, this is not the only indicator of a high need for control that I demonstrate. Do objects of abuse usually possess a high need for control? Or just the ones that feel pathetic and ineffective in life? Bit of both? Eh, I’ll think on it…
Actions speak far louder than words, and circumstance being a direct result of our actions, well, this means there is very little to no evidence of such statements being true. And ‘being patient’ I would akin to playing the lottery to make you wealthy one day. Not good enough odds for me to justify as a plausible plan for change.
I think what the crux of this whole train of thought is that to me it feels like an injustice I have no real way of righting, something I have always had a stake in and, quite literally, my namesake. If anything, I feel like I get it more than most people, as arrogant and misguided as that statement probably is. At the least I know I would and do appreciate such things that hold real meaning to me in this world so greatly.
Maybe I just want to share all these thoughts with someone to get them out of my head so I can find tranquility within. Maybe its the closeness, the trust, the affections, the intimacy. Maybe I’m just so damn sick of fighting against the world by myself like out of some stupid action hero film that forgot to cast the leading lady.
Maybe it’s all of it. Maybe it’s something else.
Maybe one day I’ll have more fucking answers than questions…
Should. not. think. before. bed.